This week I have been facing the worst feeling in life, the Loss.
I usually say that nothing affects me but the feeling of 'Saudade'. saudade from the Portuguese = the feeling of missing someone or missing a place.
We can always find solutions for everything in life and that's why I usually don't suffer for anything with exception of Saudade.
Right now I am devastated thinking of granddad. His prostate cancer returned and it's now spreading reaching other organs. He is bleeding 24 hours, he screams and he has now gave it up. And it kills me, it kills me to see the man I love most in life dying, feeling pain and slowly fading away. The thing is that he is conscious, he is feeling every pain and knowing that his body is dying. It's awful. My grandmother said to me on the phone that he is now stinking due some of his organs getting rotten so he has over 5 showers per day to try and get rid of the smell though the smell. The awful smell shows his body is dying, slowly. The smell reminds him that he has few days left. His heart is weakening and therefore he cannot take any medication to not feel pain.
I can express how bad I feel though deep down I blame myself for feeling sad because He is the one who is actually feeling all the pain and all I should be doing is being strong and support him.
How? I don't what to say. All I wanted was to hold him tight and say make the pain to go away and bring my granddad back. I want my superhero back, the man who never gets tired, the man who makes jokes out of bad situation, the man who built two houses and worked all through his life even though he became blind when he was only 20 yo. I want the man who used to tell me stories back. The man who wears suits and perfume, the man who respectfully always takes his hat off to speak to a lady, the man who I adore is now suffering and soon he won't be here anymore and I just don't know how to cope with so much 'Saudade'of him.
Now, the planning of going back to Brazil, rushing to see the hero of my life for the last time.
From outside I'm smiling, joking with people, trying to get on with work though in the inside I'm crying.
