Speaking to my grandmother, Dina, who lives in the interior of the state of Sao Paulo, I got surprised – and of course very happy – to know that she is doing (very) well (actually) after my grandfather’s passage.
My grandfather was very controlling and had a very strong personality so in my mind she was going to miss him a lot. I call my grandmother over the phone nearly every day and although I found at the beginning that it was being difficult for her now I am surprised to actually learn how happy she is.
My grandmother spent a fifty years as if living on a bird’s cage. She couldn’t travel, she had certain times to leave the house and although my grandfather has never been violent towards her he was ...let’s say...quite dominant. When a kid and a teenage I used to spend three months every year at their home and I recall feeling angry towards him due to the way he used to control her. She has always been the most loving and sweet woman I ever met – she is the person I love the most – and it used to make me very frustrated to see her living to please him. I grew up and as everyone around I got used to the dynamic. At the end of the day that was their marriage and although I didn’t agree that was the reality. Just wanted to make an observation that my grandfather is (was) someone I utterly love.
Now it fills me with such happiness to see how happy she is on having her ‘freedom’ back. She travels every weekend with my aunt ad with her friends, she goes to places she could not dream of going before. She is able to visit her relatives whenever she wants and not have to ask for permission to do so. She has along the past eight months recovered her own life back.
At the same time I feel so happy for her for being happy some sort of sadness knocks at my door when I think of how many years she spent imprisoned. Don’t take me wrong - It was all her choice - she wasn’t threatened or suffered from domestic violence o r anything...though the result is the same; imprisonment. My grandfather has amazing great and positive sides with her. I remember that every valentine’s day he used to come back home with flowers and a gift for her, the same on her birthdays and special occasions. He loved her to bits...I am sure of this and I think that that was it that kept her standing by his side for such long time though even though having so many loving points the controlling and jealousy ended up by imprisoning her for nearly her entire life. In relationships I believe that a single individual cannot be the only blamed but actually both because doesn’t matter the circumstances both sides have always the option to choose for a different path and change things. I believe that in a relationship both sides feed each other on a cycle and the relationship finishes when one of the sides stopping feeding that cycle. It’s like if the controlling needs a submissive person and the submissive person needs the controlling and one would not exist without the other. Once one of the sides decides to stop that behaviour the relationship ends... – what I mean is my grandmother is as guilty as my grandfather..
How sad it must be to be seventy years old and look back at your life and recognise how many years of your life was spent to please someone else?!
I try my best to even being thousands of miles away to ensure she is fine, financially and emotionally well. I know she is surrounded by lots of people who love and look after her though...
grandfather passed away last October and because they had been together for over fifty years I was really
I need to be very fair on my grandmother and make it clear that she always has been an amazing woman. She educated and raised three kids, grandchildren. She never complaint about anything instead she has always been an very brave woman though still it’s very sad to see that such amazing woman has dedicated all her life to a man leaving behind her own feelings, her own wishes...leaving behind her own life.
It’s great to find someone to share our life with though...what I learnt is that that person has to be someone to share and to add on things to our lives but NOT someone to minus and or to take away or own life. Anyway, my grandmother is an example that it’s never too late to recover your own life back.
